Lost in Space

Last week I had a long conversation with an old friend, during which I confessed that I've been a little out of touch these days.

"I'm not sure where I've been, lately.  Just lost. Mentally lost in space."

I've been bored. Restless. Snowed in. Tired. And did I mention...bored?

"You've just been so...itchy," the Husband said a couple weeks ago. Which is quite an interesting word choice because we celebrated our seven-year anniversary last August. Could this be the Seven-Year Itch? I'm pretty certain my restlessness doesn't have anything to do with my marriage.

Before I track down a DVD of the Marilyn Monroe film for research...maybe I should revisit Betty Friedan's classic, The Feminine Mystic, in which she discusses the "problem without a name," a sense of dissatisfaction experienced by American housewives in the 1960s.

Is my current state at all similar to that of housewives 50 years ago? Educated women spending their days at home with dirty dishes, dirty diapers, and dirty laundry? Isn't it different for us now, after the Second Feminist Wave, now that Dads are more involved, now that we have the Internet, Facebook, and cable TV?

Anytime I mention my boredom to another at-home mom, I am invited to another play-date. And while I'm so grateful for their generosity, for their offering of time and company (really I am), I think the last thing I need is another play-date.

But what do I need? That is what I don't know.

So what do you think? Is this just the winter blues? Is it time for me to go back to work? Or, is it time for another baby?  Maybe I should just blog more, and whine less.

Truth be told, I am bummed about a few things: Keith Olbermann's split from MSNBC last week was a bit disconcerting, especially considering the fact that I was not tuned in last Friday night and didn't even get a chance to witness the live goodbye. I have been a Countdown viewer for nearly three years, and now, with little warning, it airs no more.

While I'm on the topic of politics, I've got to admit I continue to be bummed that during this time when our nation faces such huge problems, when so much is at stake...I live in a state where both Senators seem more interested in the agenda of their political parties (GOP and TEA) than the welfare of Kentuckians. Seriously, I never hear either of them say anything to the national media about what they intend to do for Kentucky. It's all "Tea Party" this and "ruin Obama" that. McConnell is scheduled for Meet the Press this Sunday, and I intend to tune in and see if he has anything -- anything at all -- to say about Kentucky, or if it'll be more of his grumpy talk about ensuring that Obama doesn't get a second term.

Like any good wife, I can also "blame" the Husband for bumming me out. I've got two beefs with him right now. First, a few weeks before Christmas, anticipating the flood of new toys, the Husband turned our dining room into a playroom. It is magic, pure magic, to have the Bear gated in there, flipping through her books while I'm working nearby. But it is also devastating (just a little), because my dining room is now a friggin' playroom!!! It's as if we have admitted defeat. We have surrendered, and the toys won...the kid stuff won!

My second beef with the Husband is that he put us on a money diet. It is just what we need after the gluttony of the holidays; it is just what we need to pay for college (ours first, then the Bear's) and reach some other financial goals. Generally speaking, I enjoy a little belt-tightening and penny-pinching, and I am well aware that people all around me are struggling financially in ways that we have never struggled. But when your personal allowance is slashed by 66%...you tend to feel a bit devastated (just a little). And so, if teasing the Husband, (say, calling him the Rand Paul of the household) helps ease that devastation....Well, it does.

All in all, I love my life. I love, love, love the Husband and I love, love, love the Bear. My gut just keeps filling up with a mix of euphoria and dread, with this sense that there is so much to do and say...and yet, I'm not acting on it because I'm not sure what it is I am supposed to do or say...

Any ideas?

Jaelithe

Meet the Bear

The Bear is a toddling, jibbering little thing, as sweet as a peach -- with a few small spots of rotten! She is a planned child who came a little sooner than planned, our happy little being, who is oh so loving and snuggly!

Just last week she officially hit 18 months. She is barreling toward the infamous “terrible two’s” and like many toddlers, she is increasingly defiant. For instance, she will persist in a behavior precisely because I have asked her to stop it. Examples include throwing food on the floor, turning her sippy cup upside down, pulling cabinet doors open as far as safety latches will allow and then banging them shut again and again and again....Oh, how I love my little Bear!

“I kinda don’t want her to stop when we tell her to,” the Husband admitted one evening as our cabinet doors were banging, banging, banging. “I want her to be a little stubborn.”

“I think she is stubborn” I said. “Just a smidge.”

The Bear presides over her kingdom (our living room) with the assistance of her loyal followers: the Giraffe, the Tiger and the Kitty Cat. She tosses aside most dolls, but the stuffed animals are her babies. And she has become quite the little mother! The first time I saw her give the Giraffe a drink of water, I choked on my own tears. How did she learn to do this? Well...I guess that would have to be from watching me! She gives her babies hugs and kisses, brushes their fur, and pushes them around in her tiny toy stroller. Last week, we were playing outside, and I all but stapled her white sun hat to her head. She was so peeved, her soft baby cheeks red with annoyance as she yanked on the chin strap. And yet, a few hours later I found her serene as a saint, lovingly placing the same sun hat on her Giraffe.

By now you might have guessed that the Giraffe is her Number One, followed by the Tiger and then the Kitty Cat. However, I am sensing a shake up in this hierarchy; it seems the Puppy Dog (not to be confused with the Doodles) is advancing into the top three. I’m not sure who he’ll oust, but I promise to keep you posted.

Like any good librarian mama, I have been reading to the Bear since her first week outside the womb. (Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t recall reading to her in utero). Naturally, the Bear loves, loves, loves her books. I wish I could say she gets this from me, but she could very well get it from the Husband. In the last couple months she has been known to take my hand and force a book into it when she wants a story. And she is not shy, she will force books into the hands of virtual strangers. (Such a sly little book worm!)

These days her big thing is talking. Talking, talking, talking! Earlier this summer, she went through a phase where she stayed awake in her crib, chitter-chatting with the Giraffe for at least an hour. But now she is starting to say real words. And she repeats everything like a mischievous little parrot! I have been racking my brain for some toddler-appropriate swear words, so let me know if you’ve got any ideas. Even the seemingly benign “crap” is now followed by her tiny echo: “Cwap! Cwap, cwap, cwap!”

A few weeks ago I tormented myself with the thought of going back to work. I somehow managed to stumble on an opportunity I wasn’t sure I could pass up. For days I agonized over the pros and cons: career advancement and increased financial security versus home, hugs, and time. (I realize this is a super simplified summary of a dilemma many mothers face, but I’m going to breeze by it so I can tell a story about the Bear, who is the subject of this post). One particular morning, I woke up absolutely sick over the seemingly real possibility of going back to work, and when I went in to get the Bear, I found her standing in her crib, tiny fingers curled around the rail, wisps of hair in her eyes. She looked up at me and said one word: “Poop.”

And that was it. She said “poop,” and I knew I would stay home a little longer.

You see, this was the first time I’d ever heard the Bear say “poop.” And oh, how avidly I praised her when I realized there was actual poop in her pants! We were such proud parents that week. Unfortunately, the Bear misconstrued our initial enthusiasm. I think her mind emphasized the word, but de-emphasized (or discarded altogether) the fact that the word communicated the physical presence of doo-doo in her diaper.

And so, now she says “poop” all the time. “Poop, poop, poop.” It is her favorite word. She says it sometimes when there is poop, but more often than not, she says it when there is no poop at all. I warned her that she might become known as “the little girl who cried poop,” but she only cocked her head and spoke it again, like a question, “Poop?”

L@H

How This Librarian Ended Up At Home.

Hello, I'm Jaelithe, the Librarian @ Home. Welcome to my blog!

In the last couple days I have been getting acquainted with Blogger, which makes me feel a little like a seasoned library staff person around 1995: suddenly confronted with the Internet as an information resource and the often intimidating learning curve of technology.

In my case, it is 2010...but still, learning how to navigate new software is a little intimidating. (Especially since I'm trying to teach myself!)

I received a journalism degree in 2001 and a library science degree in 2004. Both programs seemed to focus on a very similar train of thought that went something like this: Omg, omg, the Internet is changing, like, EVERYTHING about our field! How will we adapt? Will we still be relevant?

I have spent a lot of time thinking and learning about how technology has and will change newspapers/tv news/print publishing/libraries, etc. etc. and it seems that now, less than a decade later, a lot of that future-casting is no longer speculation, but reality. (For example, reading books on Amazon's Kindle. Need I say more?) Yes, yes, it is a very exciting time for information creators and consumers...so what am I doing?

I'm sitting at home.

Even though home is where I want to be...I still want to be a part of it all! This blog is my attempt to do just that.

I am a woman, daughter, wife, mother, dog mama, housekeeper, and home cook in Louisville, Kentucky. I used to be a librarian, but I dropped that gig (for the time being) after my maternity leave was up and my employer was all "Hey you, come back to work or quit, okay?"

Leaving that job was hard because it was the best job I'd ever had. Seriously, it was the best job EVER. I spent most of my time at work reading book reviews and determining whether my library should buy a book and, if so, how many copies at which of our branches. (In other words, they paid me to shop for books!)

But...the Husband and I were pushing 30 and thinking less and less ambivalently about starting a family. I was discussing our fears about the leap to parenthood with one of my librarian colleagues, who told me point blank: "It is the most important thing."

And he was right. It is. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it most certainly is.

Of course, starting a family doesn't mean one parent has to quit working. So how did I end up at home?

Although I spent my 20s establishing my career, I was ever mindful of the fact that I would most likely have a child (or two) and that I would possibly want to stay home when that happened. I wasn't sure on which side of the fence I would land, but I had always hoped that when the time came, I would have a choice. Luckily enough, in our situation that was the case.

So...I gave up LJ reviews and circulation stats for breast-feeeding and play dates. (I also gave up the perk of low premiums on health insurance for COBRA, but that should probably be left for another post!)

Today my daughter is 17 months old. It's cliche to say but time flies and babies grow like weeds. Much of the past 17 months is a blur to me, especially the early days of night feedings and not getting my first cup of coffee until 2 or 3 p.m.

Parenthood most definitely changes a person. But I would argue that leaving your job to take care of your home life (with or without a baby) is also life-altering (especially if you are a feminist American woman in the 21st Century!) Now add those two events (new baby, no more job) back together and the extent of the change is magnified even further: changes to your lifestyle, finances, sense of self, role in your marriage....YIKES!!! Despite all this change, beneath it all, I am still me. At home or in the library, I am me!

I know what I just said doesn't make much sense: I have changed a lot, but I am still me. And quite frankly, I am a little confused myself at this point. Let me close by saying this: I hope this blog will allow me to explore the many roles I play and the many roles that American women play (whether they have careers, children, neither or both!) I hope to find readers who can relate to me (or not) and challenge me. I hope to build a community of thinking, reading, caring, smart women and men.

Additionally, I want to draw from my past as a public librarian. I hope to talk about books, and I want to demonstrate how I have applied the skills of librarianship to my life at home. I am certain these topics will appeal to many, and not just those in library land!

More to follow,

Jaelithe